Dear Judy,

Last night, at rehearsal, I discovered that apparently, despite years of theatrical training and sort of being a professional actor, when encountering a boy I find attractive in a scene the only words that will escape my mouth are “AHHhahahahaeep!”

This also happened in an audition about a week ago. Made eye contact with a guy and went “waaaaaaaahoosh.” Didn’t get cast.

So here’s my question: how can I rig it so that I never end up with girls* or cute guys in audition scenes without being too obvious about it?

Also, WHEN am I going to grow up?!?!

Thanks Judy!

Nic

*I’m not anti-girl, I just can’t do any more “head cheerleader vs. bookworm” audition scenes. You get it. 

Dear Judy,

Today a friend of mine posted a video of her baby walking (without assistance) for the first time. From the time she let go of the couch, to the time she made it across the room she screaming. A kind of quiet, kind of joyful, kind of confused, shocked and frightened little “aaaaah!”

I feel like that most of the time.

sigh,

Nick

Dear Judy,

Today I watched Dawson’s Creek and listened to O Town, proving two things:

1. My taste truly has not changed since I was 13.

2. I knew there was a good reason that I don’t keep an over-sized flannel shirt near me at any times. Because today is the day I would have put it on, tied it at the waist and wore it in public.

Judy, maybe you don’t have a problem with people staying 13, it could be worse. I painted my  coffee table entirely with glitter nail polish, and it looks totally rad.

yttks,

Nick

Dear Judy,

I’ve decided that I will officially be a grownup when I’ve discovered a shade of red lipstick that does not look like I’ve been raiding my mom’s medicine cabinet.

Feel free to send samples,

Nick

Dear Judy,

Black Girl went on a date with a guy with an “awesome spirit” last night.

(Or so I’ve eavesdropped)

I spent the night with a bottle of wine and dude that has been bad news for awhile.

(But is super good in bed)

So my question for you, Judy, is:

Which one of us is winning?

Thanks!

Nick

Dear Judy,

Today I stepped into the elevator at work, followed by a cute boy stranger. I then proceeded to freak out thinking the elevator was going up, and tried to get off.

Boy: Sweetheart, push the button for the floor you want. I’m going down with you.

So, my question is: why isn’t anyone following me around filming a very boring romantic comedy (all comedy, no romance)?

Tripping over my own two feet,

Nick

Dear Judy,

Awesome black girl that sits behind me shops at the same clothing store as me. She has twice shown up to work wearing outfits that I tried on and rejected as being “too much.”

I think she’s me from another life…..

…or just me if I was brave.

Eavesdropping,

Nick

Dear Judy,

Do you think that if I ask really nicely Morman Jesus (the Jossiah?) will schedule Morman Armageddon for before the election?

If I ever get a boy to like me again, I’d like my hard earned money that I pay for health insurance with to be guaranteed to take care of my underutilized lady parts regardless of who I work for.

Time to buy some funny underwear and start praying!

Nick

Dear Judy,

The black girl sitting behind me has braids and is singing at her desk…she and i are an urban romantic comedy waiting to happen.

With chai tea,

Nick

Dear Judy,

Happy Valentine’s Day! I am celebrating it in my traditional way.

Silently and alone.

With buffalo wings,

Nick

Dear Judy,

Hope [hohp]: 1. a feeling that what is wanted will happen 2. an illusion that makes one’s day to day life better, despite reality

See also:

naivete

wine (effects of)

“seeing” someone but not really dating

definitely yours,

Nick

Dear Judy,

I’ve made a really important, very grown up, decision. All these time I’ve been focusing on my professional goals. I haven’t achieved any of them yet. But professional goals aren’t the only kind of goals grown ups can have.

And so, I am giving up on my career and focusing on getting married. Luckily, a lot of my career skills are going to be transferable in this endeavor (see how I used the word transferable, very grown up and practical). Here are reasons why I will be good at getting married (even though I’m not good at meeting people or dating):

I am a good listener

I am good at making things up

I am good at pretending to care about things that I do not care about

I am good at making faces

I am good at wearing dresses and makeup

I am good at drinking in the afternoon

I am good at being around kids

I am good at sighing and subtext

Everyone needs to have a goal, Judy. I know this is a good idea, but as always I await you writing back with your advice. One question I’d love to have answered is, how does one get married?

Thanks!

Nick