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AHHhahahahaeep!

Dear Judy,

Last night, at rehearsal, I discovered that apparently, despite years of theatrical training and sort of being a professional actor, when encountering a boy I find attractive in a scene the only words that will escape my mouth are “AHHhahahahaeep!”

This also happened in an audition about a week ago. Made eye contact with a guy and went “waaaaaaaahoosh.” Didn’t get cast.

So here’s my question: how can I rig it so that I never end up with girls* or cute guys in audition scenes without being too obvious about it?

Also, WHEN am I going to grow up?!?!

Thanks Judy!

Nic

*I’m not anti-girl, I just can’t do any more “head cheerleader vs. bookworm” audition scenes. You get it. 

aaaah!

Dear Judy,

Today a friend of mine posted a video of her baby walking (without assistance) for the first time. From the time she let go of the couch, to the time she made it across the room she screaming. A kind of quiet, kind of joyful, kind of confused, shocked and frightened little “aaaaah!”

I feel like that most of the time.

sigh,

Nick

flannel

Dear Judy,

Today I watched Dawson’s Creek and listened to O Town, proving two things:

1. My taste truly has not changed since I was 13.

2. I knew there was a good reason that I don’t keep an over-sized flannel shirt near me at any times. Because today is the day I would have put it on, tied it at the waist and wore it in public.

Judy, maybe you don’t have a problem with people staying 13, it could be worse. I painted my  coffee table entirely with glitter nail polish, and it looks totally rad.

yttks,

Nick

medicine cabinet

Dear Judy,

I’ve decided that I will officially be a grownup when I’ve discovered a shade of red lipstick that does not look like I’ve been raiding my mom’s medicine cabinet.

Feel free to send samples,

Nick

urban 3

Dear Judy,

Black Girl went on a date with a guy with an “awesome spirit” last night.

(Or so I’ve eavesdropped)

I spent the night with a bottle of wine and dude that has been bad news for awhile.

(But is super good in bed)

So my question for you, Judy, is:

Which one of us is winning?

Thanks!

Nick

elevator

Dear Judy,

Today I stepped into the elevator at work, followed by a cute boy stranger. I then proceeded to freak out thinking the elevator was going up, and tried to get off.


Boy: Sweetheart, push the button for the floor you want. I’m going down with you.

So, my question is: why isn’t anyone following me around filming a very boring romantic comedy (all comedy, no romance)?

Tripping over my own two feet,

Nick

urban 2

Dear Judy,

Awesome black girl that sits behind me shops at the same clothing store as me. She has twice shown up to work wearing outfits that I tried on and rejected as being “too much.”

I think she’s me from another life…..

…or just me if I was brave.

Eavesdropping,

Nick

sometimes it works

  • Dear Judy,
  • Me: Let's chat about how pretty I am!
  • and I need a cookie, can you bring one to my desk?
  • Coworker: I'm all out of cookies.
  • Me: You COULD go get one.
  • Coworker: I love a woman who asks for what she wants.
  • So sometimes it works, Judy.
  • Still Cookie-less,
  • Nick

mormaggedon

Dear Judy,

Do you think that if I ask really nicely Morman Jesus (the Jossiah?) will schedule Morman Armageddon for before the election?

If I ever get a boy to like me again, I’d like my hard earned money that I pay for health insurance with to be guaranteed to take care of my underutilized lady parts regardless of who I work for.

Time to buy some funny underwear and start praying!

Nick

urban

Dear Judy,

The black girl sitting behind me has braids and is singing at her desk…she and i are an urban romantic comedy waiting to happen.

With chai tea,

Nick

 

Stripes

Dear Judy,

I just walked past a mirror and remembered that as an “outfit”, this morning, I just put on everything i own that has stripes.

I’m pretty happy with my choices.

I’m also pretty happy that I don’t live in the same city as my mother.

Seriously never going to grow up,

Nick

sad

Dear Judy,

It seems as though, if you are sad about one boy. The best solution is to immediately go out and find another. Right?

I’m sure you agree. So I’m going to go out and get to work on this while I wait for you to write back.

First step: opening a bottle of wine,

Nick

buffalo

Dear Judy,

Happy Valentine’s Day! I am celebrating it in my traditional way.

Silently and alone.

With buffalo wings,

Nick

hope

Dear Judy,

Hope [hohp]: 1. a feeling that what is wanted will happen 2. an illusion that makes one’s day to day life better, despite reality

See also:

naivete

wine (effects of)

"seeing" someone but not really dating

definitely yours,

Nick

goals

Dear Judy,

I’ve made a really important, very grown up, decision. All these time I’ve been focusing on my professional goals. I haven’t achieved any of them yet. But professional goals aren’t the only kind of goals grown ups can have.

And so, I am giving up on my career and focusing on getting married. Luckily, a lot of my career skills are going to be transferable in this endeavor (see how I used the word transferable, very grown up and practical). Here are reasons why I will be good at getting married (even though I’m not good at meeting people or dating):

I am a good listener

I am good at making things up

I am good at pretending to care about things that I do not care about

I am good at making faces

I am good at wearing dresses and makeup

I am good at drinking in the afternoon

I am good at being around kids

I am good at sighing and subtext

Everyone needs to have a goal, Judy. I know this is a good idea, but as always I await you writing back with your advice. One question I’d love to have answered is, how does one get married?

Thanks!

Nick

AHHhahahahaeep!

Dear Judy,

Last night, at rehearsal, I discovered that apparently, despite years of theatrical training and sort of being a professional actor, when encountering a boy I find attractive in a scene the only words that will escape my mouth are “AHHhahahahaeep!”

This also happened in an audition about a week ago. Made eye contact with a guy and went “waaaaaaaahoosh.” Didn’t get cast.

So here’s my question: how can I rig it so that I never end up with girls* or cute guys in audition scenes without being too obvious about it?

Also, WHEN am I going to grow up?!?!

Thanks Judy!

Nic

*I’m not anti-girl, I just can’t do any more “head cheerleader vs. bookworm” audition scenes. You get it. 

aaaah!

Dear Judy,

Today a friend of mine posted a video of her baby walking (without assistance) for the first time. From the time she let go of the couch, to the time she made it across the room she screaming. A kind of quiet, kind of joyful, kind of confused, shocked and frightened little “aaaaah!”

I feel like that most of the time.

sigh,

Nick

flannel

Dear Judy,

Today I watched Dawson’s Creek and listened to O Town, proving two things:

1. My taste truly has not changed since I was 13.

2. I knew there was a good reason that I don’t keep an over-sized flannel shirt near me at any times. Because today is the day I would have put it on, tied it at the waist and wore it in public.

Judy, maybe you don’t have a problem with people staying 13, it could be worse. I painted my  coffee table entirely with glitter nail polish, and it looks totally rad.

yttks,

Nick

medicine cabinet

Dear Judy,

I’ve decided that I will officially be a grownup when I’ve discovered a shade of red lipstick that does not look like I’ve been raiding my mom’s medicine cabinet.

Feel free to send samples,

Nick

urban 3

Dear Judy,

Black Girl went on a date with a guy with an “awesome spirit” last night.

(Or so I’ve eavesdropped)

I spent the night with a bottle of wine and dude that has been bad news for awhile.

(But is super good in bed)

So my question for you, Judy, is:

Which one of us is winning?

Thanks!

Nick

elevator

Dear Judy,

Today I stepped into the elevator at work, followed by a cute boy stranger. I then proceeded to freak out thinking the elevator was going up, and tried to get off.


Boy: Sweetheart, push the button for the floor you want. I’m going down with you.

So, my question is: why isn’t anyone following me around filming a very boring romantic comedy (all comedy, no romance)?

Tripping over my own two feet,

Nick

urban 2

Dear Judy,

Awesome black girl that sits behind me shops at the same clothing store as me. She has twice shown up to work wearing outfits that I tried on and rejected as being “too much.”

I think she’s me from another life…..

…or just me if I was brave.

Eavesdropping,

Nick

sometimes it works

  • Dear Judy,
  • Me: Let's chat about how pretty I am!
  • and I need a cookie, can you bring one to my desk?
  • Coworker: I'm all out of cookies.
  • Me: You COULD go get one.
  • Coworker: I love a woman who asks for what she wants.
  • So sometimes it works, Judy.
  • Still Cookie-less,
  • Nick

mormaggedon

Dear Judy,

Do you think that if I ask really nicely Morman Jesus (the Jossiah?) will schedule Morman Armageddon for before the election?

If I ever get a boy to like me again, I’d like my hard earned money that I pay for health insurance with to be guaranteed to take care of my underutilized lady parts regardless of who I work for.

Time to buy some funny underwear and start praying!

Nick

urban

Dear Judy,

The black girl sitting behind me has braids and is singing at her desk…she and i are an urban romantic comedy waiting to happen.

With chai tea,

Nick

 

Stripes

Dear Judy,

I just walked past a mirror and remembered that as an “outfit”, this morning, I just put on everything i own that has stripes.

I’m pretty happy with my choices.

I’m also pretty happy that I don’t live in the same city as my mother.

Seriously never going to grow up,

Nick

sad

Dear Judy,

It seems as though, if you are sad about one boy. The best solution is to immediately go out and find another. Right?

I’m sure you agree. So I’m going to go out and get to work on this while I wait for you to write back.

First step: opening a bottle of wine,

Nick

buffalo

Dear Judy,

Happy Valentine’s Day! I am celebrating it in my traditional way.

Silently and alone.

With buffalo wings,

Nick

hope

Dear Judy,

Hope [hohp]: 1. a feeling that what is wanted will happen 2. an illusion that makes one’s day to day life better, despite reality

See also:

naivete

wine (effects of)

"seeing" someone but not really dating

definitely yours,

Nick

goals

Dear Judy,

I’ve made a really important, very grown up, decision. All these time I’ve been focusing on my professional goals. I haven’t achieved any of them yet. But professional goals aren’t the only kind of goals grown ups can have.

And so, I am giving up on my career and focusing on getting married. Luckily, a lot of my career skills are going to be transferable in this endeavor (see how I used the word transferable, very grown up and practical). Here are reasons why I will be good at getting married (even though I’m not good at meeting people or dating):

I am a good listener

I am good at making things up

I am good at pretending to care about things that I do not care about

I am good at making faces

I am good at wearing dresses and makeup

I am good at drinking in the afternoon

I am good at being around kids

I am good at sighing and subtext

Everyone needs to have a goal, Judy. I know this is a good idea, but as always I await you writing back with your advice. One question I’d love to have answered is, how does one get married?

Thanks!

Nick

AHHhahahahaeep!
aaaah!
flannel
medicine cabinet
urban 3
elevator
urban 2
sometimes it works
mormaggedon
urban
Stripes
sad
buffalo
hope
goals

About:

Dear Judy,

Today I woke up and had a profound realization. Almost every realization you have at 13/26 is profound. Because at that age you are very important. Anyway, I woke up this morning already late for school/work, which is disappointing because there’s this super cute jock/supervisor who always looks and smells amazing and since I was late today I am not going to look OR smell amazing and that is really too bad. Whenever he sits next to me to help me with a work problem his leg always touches mine and I’m wondering if that means he likes me. Boys are confusing. Sometimes they touch your leg with theirs, or send you notes in studyhall/gchat, or give you oral sex without asking for anything in return, and it seems like that means they like you, but they don’t. Anyway, I was thinking about Amazing Smelling Supervisor while I was washing my late face and I had a profound realization:

At 26, my life would fit perfectly in a Judy Blume novel.

Here I am, face full of zits, with untameable crazy curly hair that I don’t know how to handle, my parents don’t understand me (only Joni Mitchell does), and I never have enough money left over at the end of my allowance/paycheck to buy those super cool jeans/modcloth dress that the girl at the desk at the end of the row has— our desks are in rows at work, and life is still very hard.

As it turns out, I’m still the same person that I was at 13. I would really like to grow up. And Judy, I thought you might be able to help. Please write back with any advice you have about boys, finding and/or succeeding at a career, looking good while naked while lying on your back (what a cruel trick missionary is), paying bills, cooking, having an apartment that doesn’t look like a frat house, waking up on time, and/or boys. We’ll start there.

Thanks Ms. Blume!

KIT,

Nick, A 26 Year Old Aspiring Adult

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